Wednesday, August 3, 2011

This is REAL.

I know some people, especially on my Facebook, probably get tired of hearing how emotional this is and how emotional that is for me regarding my weight loss journey. [Disclaimer: That's not an apology, I don't apologize for saying how I feel]  But this journey is more than emotional for me. I'm not sure I can even put it all into words, actually I know I can't put it into words but I'm gonna try my best.

You know those things that happen or those words that are said when you are a child or a young adult that you kind of just tuck in the back of your mind because at that point either you don't want to think about the significance of them or you don't truly understand the significance? Well I have a lot of those and since I began this new chapter in my life, and allowed myself to be open and honest with myself ABOUT myself, I have come face to face with many of those situations. 

I am realizing that 9.5/10 memories that I have from my childhood as well as into my adult life, all involve food in one way or another. Every time someone says "Do you remember blah blah blah", my response always involves something to the effect of "Yea I remember that..I remember we ate at that restaurant too and we ate that really good [insert food here]" . I'm not talking one in every 10 conversations I have. I'm talking nearly every single memory I have can be tied to food in one way or another.
My mom always used to say this jokingly and she said it recently and it had a much higher impact on me than it ever did before. I was talking to her about how all my memories involve food and we were sitting at the dinner table with my step-dad and my boyfriend and she said, like she has said many times before, "At every birthday party or event Krystle was always the first one at the table and the last one to leave. She always wanted to know when the food was being served."   Sad, but true and something that stuck with me into my adult years.

I can't remember who said this to me. It was an aunt or somebody..possibly my dad's mom. I find it strange that I don't remember exactly who but I remember walking in a parking lot and I remember the exact words. I was a young child and I was walking in a parking lot with whoever I was with and we saw a women easily over 400lbs that I couldn't take my eyes off of. The woman that I was with said to me "Yea, if you keep up your eating habits, you'll end up just like her"

When I was in 5th grade I will never forget Dylan Osbourne telling me that I had nasty bumps on the back of my thighs (i.e. my cellulite that I had in 5th grade). 
When I was about 10 years old I asked my stepmom (who has always been thin) how much she weighed and she told me 118lbs. I already weighed more than her. 
I remember the first time my sister acknowledged that I was fat. I just started high school and she started middle school and we were walking to the bus stop arguing about something and I stomped off and she called me a fat ass.
I've always had a thing for black guys. The love of my life is black. But when I had my first black boyfriend and my second, members of my family told me "You like black guys because they like fat girls. Just lose some weight and you'll find yourself a nice white boy"  [Another disclaimer: My family has come a long way and accepts my boyfriend and my brother in law just fine]
I could go on and on. The point is, I'm not just a woman who gained weight after she had a baby or when she went to college. I'm not someone looking for attention and compliments. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I just am a woman who decided enough was enough. Not because white guys don't like me or because I've had cellulite since 5th grade or because my family told me to do it but because I am 23 years old with my life ahead of me, the mother to the absolute most beautiful girl in the world, and the girlfriend to a man who loved me at 253lbs and loves me still at 182lbs and I want to live a long, healthy life for me and for my family. And whoever that woman with me in the parking lot was, I'm almost glad she said it because I sure as hell won't live the long life I desire if I end up like that lady walking through the parking lot many moons ago.

So I may talk about my weight loss journey day in and day out and maybe to some people it may get old but guess what??? I don't care. I am PROUD of where I have come from and where I'm headed and I will shout it to the world!!

A few last random comments: 

In regard to my comment about asking my stepmom how much she weighed. I have always been bigger than her from that point forward and recently she gave me a suit that she bought but it ended up being too big on her but she thought it might fit me. It's a size 12. Here it is:
    We went to Wildwood on Sunday with a good friend that I hadn't seen in over 5 years. I was so happy to catch up with her!! She was so inspired by how I looked and how much I raved about Weight Watchers that she signed up the very next day and is loving the program! 
    Camera man said "Get closer!" lol 

    I took a dare and I didn't cover myself up at the water park! Here I am next to a sign that really made me laugh and think. I'll let you do your own thinking on it to not extend the length of this blog any longer. 
    As always, thanks for reading! I would love to read feedback. My support team is my backbone!! 


Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you Krystle. Keep posting and telling the world your story. I personally enjoy reading it everyday. I have told many people about your blog and journey!! Love you girl! - Christy Basinger

Anonymous said...

As the "stepmom" who gave you that suit, I have to BRAG!!! YOU LOOK FANTASTIC, and it is all due to your hard work and determination...I am very proud of you and your future honey, Love Cheryl

Bonnie said...

I love your blog and all your stories....
Although my husband is white, I find black men very sexy and I also was told the " you got a big ass that's why they like you"
Haters keep hating....we are happy and that's all that matters....
Keep smiling girl you are beautiful inside and out!

Ashley said...

You look fantastic:)

Sarah said...

You look great in your pictures! Good for you for being able to think back on some not totally pleasant memories about your past. Who cares if people think you are getting emotional. You have to be honest with yourself.


Fat in Suburbia said...

You talk about your weight loss journey all you want! The only people that matter will understand. You look great!

Bring Pretty Back said...

Isn't it amazing how words affect us . That is what this is all about - blog and say what you need to say... to get to where you need to get to where you get to lose this weight and be happy!
Have a pretty day!

Trina said...

Keep on inspiring girl! My favorite part about the post...the suit!

I wonder wear Dylan Osbourne is now?! Take that Dylan!

Unknown said...

OMG how good do you look in that suit? you have done so so well and should be so proud of yourself.

Well done as well for braving the swimsuit and even more so for posting it on here!


Krystle kjb Bailey said...

You guys are the best! Thank you all :)

its_ashley said...

i cant believe dylan said that!!! a whole lifes struggle and here u are being greater than all of it! keep up the great work!

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