Sunday, April 22, 2012

What's Going On???

Maybe subconsciously I'm scared to reach my goal. What other reason is there for the way I have been constantly over eating and "relapsing" then starting over full speed ahead just to relapse again? Last weekend. This weekend. What is going ON, Krystle???!!

*sigh* . I remember reading a blog a while back that every time I clicked on it, it was about how many times she had failed and how she didn't know how to pick herself up and I stopped reading that blog eventually because it wasn't inspiring me anymore. That is the LAST thing I want for my blog!!!!

Soooo I have to open up and tell you guys what has been going on. At least the gist. Some things are to be kept personal - I can't be completely transparent but I will share with you that I have been going through personal isssues:

On top of my back hurting again restricting my workouts, I messed UP my birth control. (If this is TMI for you, stop reading now!) . I really really jacked it up and my hormones are so out of whack. Most of you know that I am a generally happy go lucky person all day every day but since I have messed up my BC, I have found mysef down in the DUMPS. I find myself depressed and anxious for no reason. In my head I say to myself "Krystle, there is no reason for you to feel this way" yet no matter what I do, I CAN NOT shake that mood. Sometimes I eat my emotions, sometimes I don't but either way I don't feel good about myself. Most of what I have been doing is drowning myself in coffee, which can't be helpful. I find myself really criticizing my appearance, my thoughts, and myself and if anybody has been reading for any amount of time, you know that is NOT who I am. It's crazy what jacked up hormones can do to a woman.

In the midst of that, I have every day stressors that can feel like a million pounds on your shoulders when they begin to add up and you're already not at your strongest.

For 22 years I ate my emotions. I ate when I was happy. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I wasn't sure how I felt. I ate and I ate and I ate. So finding myself at this weak(er) point in my life, I keep turning to food - especially with not being able to just go for a run to shake it off.

I have a "food baby" and it's GROSS. Aside from seeing the 1.4lbs gain on the scale this week, I can physically see the gain in my stomach. It makes me sick knowing that I can do that to myself. Not the number on the scale but I am watching my stomach grow with food and have the audacity to joke about it.

*Agggghhhh* can you feel my frustration with myself?

Well BUMP THAT!!! ....keep reading.....

I can't even believe that the above words came out of my fingers. I'm done with it. I'm done with having to confess my horrible eating weekends and joking about my food baby. I'm done with looking at myself in complete awe. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Do you hear me??? DONE!!!!!

Tomorrow I go to the doctor to figure out what I need to do about my birth control to get myself back to normal. I also go to the neurosurgeon this week to figure out what's up with my back. I'm in the process of tackling the unmentioned personal issues that I'm having one at a time. I'm done school this week, which means one less stress factor. These past couple of weeks will be a chapter in my book.

PLAN: 120oz of water daily. Accept the fact that I can't do Turbo Fire but stop being completely lazy. Do what I can do without hurting my back. Continue my meatless challenge. THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!

My motivation: The top pictures are from my sister's baby shower in August 2009. The bottom pictures are from her bridal shower today. The above pictures I used as my fat pictures and I hated hated hated the candid shots of me. Today when I looked at the candid shots I loved the way I looked. I need to make sure that I never look back at these pictures and say "I want to be that skinny again" or use the bottom pictures as my "skinny motivation pictures" to help me lose weight. I'm rambling but you get me!!

I want to FEEL the way I LOOK.
I hope that you all continue to stick by my side while I go through these trying times. I know it has been on and off for quite some time now but I promise you and I promise myself that I will get it under control. I'm still learning! I'm a work in progress. Thank you all for growing with me on this journey.

Love always,


Sue said...

You got this girl, we are all behind you!! See you soon!!

Anonymous said...

You can do this. Eating properly and getting exercise, even if its just getting out and exercising does wonders for your mood. Which will help. Everyone told me that but I didn't believe it till I tried it and it worked.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and one of my many inspirations. I was really struggling keeping positive when I found your blog. All of us struggle and all of us need time to become our better selves. You are amazing and you will keep going and make it to goal. I can't wait until you do. :)

Kjl2003 said...

You should be very proud of yourself. I cannot believe the difference in the pictures from both showers. Kick that negativity to the curb! You deserve to love yourself! I can relate, I struggle the same way!

Anonymous said...

Be proud of yourself Krystle. It takes a strong person to accomplish what you have. Once you get your BC under control i'm sure you will be right back at it. hang tough pretty woman. :-)

Yvonne said...

I can totally relate!!
I lost 35lbs in January and have been at a plateau ever since.
I want to lose 40lbs total by the end of May.

You will reach YOUR goal!!!! KEEP the FAITH!! :)

Lauren Jones said...

So sorry to hear that you're struggling hun :( I've been going through some stuff recently as well so I totally relate. Dependence on food doesn't just go away once you're slim, its a lifelong habit that needs to be broken. You're doing so well and we're all behind you! Keep it up and you will get there eventually - I have every faith in you!

I'm always around for a chat if you need to vent!


Anonymous said...

I haven't been reading your blog for very long but I know that you can do it! Don't worry about being "uninspiring".... I actually think that it can be helpful for people to see that this is an ongoing battle, a lifetime battle. Our journeys are never over. (not that I'm glad that you're having this battle, but you hopefully know what I mean!) go get those last couple of pounds!!

Ps.... You're beautiful and should be totally proud of where you are!

Erica Zamsky Hunt said...

Hang in is tough. I know what you mean about the BC..I had an IUD put in and I have been struggling ever since. I love that you are willing to keep at it and not give up. Good for you

DaphneCT said...

Oh honey I can so relate to what you are experiencing. I too have been going through my own personal slight gain drama and I'm ready to face it head on!! You my dear have some so far and WE are so not worried that you will not make it over this bump in the road. I love that you share the good & bad with us. You are truly a REAL WOMAN! BC can be tricky and wish you the very best re: this as well as the back!! You wear so many hats right now in your life and if this +1.4 is the biggest stressor then honey you are doing ok! HUGS to you!!!!! You've got this!! Shoot you're an ANGEL (wink wink)

Unknown said...

Krystle, I was reading your blog and when you got to the part of the about another's blog being uninspiring I felt like you where talking about me, I feel all I do is blog about failing, it has reinvigorated my blog and my weight loss and I am already seeing results. You are so inspiring and motivating, even when you aren't trying to be. You look stunning in those pictures :) You are my inspiration you have achieved so much already!
Keep up the amazing work.

Jamie Danielle said...

Girl I remember when I first started taking birth control. It took me months to get use to the anxiety that I never felt before. The dr wanted to take me off of it but I didn't want to do it all over again (so to speak) my emotions were every where! I hope your dr figures something out for you. You look amazing!!!! :)

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