*sigh* . I remember reading a blog a while back that every time I clicked on it, it was about how many times she had failed and how she didn't know how to pick herself up and I stopped reading that blog eventually because it wasn't inspiring me anymore. That is the LAST thing I want for my blog!!!!
Soooo I have to open up and tell you guys what has been going on. At least the gist. Some things are to be kept personal - I can't be completely transparent but I will share with you that I have been going through personal isssues:
On top of my back hurting again restricting my workouts, I messed UP my birth control. (If this is TMI for you, stop reading now!) . I really really jacked it up and my hormones are so out of whack. Most of you know that I am a generally happy go lucky person all day every day but since I have messed up my BC, I have found mysef down in the DUMPS. I find myself depressed and anxious for no reason. In my head I say to myself "Krystle, there is no reason for you to feel this way" yet no matter what I do, I CAN NOT shake that mood. Sometimes I eat my emotions, sometimes I don't but either way I don't feel good about myself. Most of what I have been doing is drowning myself in coffee, which can't be helpful. I find myself really criticizing my appearance, my thoughts, and myself and if anybody has been reading for any amount of time, you know that is NOT who I am. It's crazy what jacked up hormones can do to a woman.
In the midst of that, I have every day stressors that can feel like a million pounds on your shoulders when they begin to add up and you're already not at your strongest.
For 22 years I ate my emotions. I ate when I was happy. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I wasn't sure how I felt. I ate and I ate and I ate. So finding myself at this weak(er) point in my life, I keep turning to food - especially with not being able to just go for a run to shake it off.
I have a "food baby" and it's GROSS. Aside from seeing the 1.4lbs gain on the scale this week, I can physically see the gain in my stomach. It makes me sick knowing that I can do that to myself. Not the number on the scale but I am watching my stomach grow with food and have the audacity to joke about it.
*Agggghhhh* can you feel my frustration with myself?
Well BUMP THAT!!! ....keep reading.....
I can't even believe that the above words came out of my fingers. I'm done with it. I'm done with having to confess my horrible eating weekends and joking about my food baby. I'm done with looking at myself in complete awe. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Do you hear me??? DONE!!!!!
Tomorrow I go to the doctor to figure out what I need to do about my birth control to get myself back to normal. I also go to the neurosurgeon this week to figure out what's up with my back. I'm in the process of tackling the unmentioned personal issues that I'm having one at a time. I'm done school this week, which means one less stress factor. These past couple of weeks will be a chapter in my book.
PLAN: 120oz of water daily. Accept the fact that I can't do Turbo Fire but stop being completely lazy. Do what I can do without hurting my back. Continue my meatless challenge. THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!
My motivation: The top pictures are from my sister's baby shower in August 2009. The bottom pictures are from her bridal shower today. The above pictures I used as my fat pictures and I hated hated hated the candid shots of me. Today when I looked at the candid shots I loved the way I looked. I need to make sure that I never look back at these pictures and say "I want to be that skinny again" or use the bottom pictures as my "skinny motivation pictures" to help me lose weight. I'm rambling but you get me!!
|I want to FEEL the way I LOOK.|