I love being KJB. Like I really, really, really enjoy this life I am living to the absolute fullest. When I tell you I cherish everything about my life, I do mean everything. I love the feeling of being alive! I really don't know how else to explain it. I sit and I focus on what it FEELS like to be alive and breathing. I focus on the fact that I can breathe in and out without complications. I touch my skin and am amazed at how I can feel the touch both with my hand and with the area of skin that I am touching. I can literally feel my inner beauty. When I make a face or I move in a certain way, I feel beautiful and I didn't look in the mirror or have someone tell me I'm beautiful to feel that way, it's my inner beauty that I feel. I really love the woman I have become.
I didn't always feel this way. There was a very long period in my life when even if I seemed fully happy on the outside and laughed with my friends and family, there was always a piece of me that was unhappy. No particular piece. I just wasn't FULLY happy. My soul wasn't happy like it is now.
I sit and I break down every aspect of my life and even if things aren't perfect, they are perfect for me and could always be much worse::
- I look at my relationships that I have with people. My boyfriend, my family, my friends, people I meet at school or on social networks and the relationships I have with people are GENUINE. At this point in my life I feel as though I have rid my life of toxic relationships and the relationships I hold now are with people of character and respect. Yea, there are people IN my life that don't live up to that but they are simply background characters, far from main characters in my movie. I have made so many new friends as an adult and reevaluated long time friendships that I have had since I was a child and made appropriate changes.
- I look at my self image. I used to stand in the mirror in disgust before or after a shower. These days when I stand naked in the mirror I see stretch marks, a baby pouch (That I had long before I had my baby), a see a huge, uneven c-section scar, not so perky breasts, arms, or thighs, but what I see is a beautiful work in progress and it makes me smile! I see someone who is determined and who is reaching her goals. I see someone who has lost almost 90lbs. I see someone who birthed a child - a task made only for the strength of a woman. I see someone who loves herself inside and out and that in and of itself is a huge milestone for me.
- I look at my relationship with God. No, I don't go to church every Sunday but I feel as though my relationship with Him is stronger than ever. We talk all day long. Sometimes he answers prayers in the way I think they should be answered and sometimes He answers them the way He thinks they should be answered but they are ALWAYS answered and I put my full trust in Him to see me through 110% of the time. I didn't get this far without Him!
- I look at the way people view me. An inspiration. And I can't believe that this is really the life I am living...a life of someone who inspires and motivates and enjoys seeing others succeed. A life free from jealousy and "wishing I could do what they are doing". A life of doing. I'm sure there are a few people who don't see me in the same light but I know that there are more that admire and respect my journey and I think it will be a long time before I can fully wrap my head around that.
- The way I love my daughter. I have more love in this heart for her than I ever knew I could hold. She is my everything and more. I am proud of the mother that I am and I owe it to my amazing mother for showing me the way. (By the way today is my mommy's birthday!!)
I could go on forever. The only thing missing from my physical life is my father. I would give anything to feel his big bear hug again but one thing I know for sure is that he is one heck of a guardian angel! When I miss him, I simply think really hard about him and then I can feel his presence surround me. He is definitely watching over and pulling strings in my favor up in Heaven!! I know one thing for certain - he is
"one proud papa"
Thank you all for being part of my awesome life. I wish you all the same happiness that I feel every day. You don't have to DO anything out of the ordinary to feel as though you have an extraordinary life. Just break it down, cherish it, and remember - somebody always has it worse than you. Be thankful! You only get one life to live, make it the best life possible!