Saturday, September 3, 2011

WARNING: Emotions flowing rapidly!

Where to start, where to start? I have a lot to say today ya'll so I hope you are interested in my life/blog enough to pay attention lol

I'll start with something non-weight related and be brief. Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary since my father suddenly passed away at the young age of 43 years old. They say time heals all wounds, I respectively disagree. It seems like each anniversary gets a little bit harder. The day to day gets easier but with the realization that it has been two whole years since I have seen his face or heard his voice breaks my heart all over again. I miss him more than words can explain so I won't carry on with words that won't do justice to the depth of my emotions.

So tonight I was feeling sad and going through my emotions and I was SO close to eating my emotions. When I mean close I was debating if I wanted a hot fudge sundae or if I wanted to go get a thing of cookie dough. Instead, I went for a walk..I walked and I walked and I walked as fast as I possibly could without running and I could literally feel the sorrow come out with each drop of sweat and anguish as I huffed down the boardwalk. Mind you, it IS labor day weekend so the boardwalk is packed but I dipped and dodged in between crowds and made my way down the whole boardwalk. When I turned around, my endorphins were way high and I was still walking as fast as possible and even though in my mind I know I shouldn't be jogging because my foot is not fully healed, my body couldn't control itself...I burst into a steady jog and jogged the better half of a mile home. I took a few walking breaks where I couldn't fit through traffic but for the most part, I jogged and I couldn't believe that I jogged so long. My endurance is SKY ROCKETED!! My heart wasn't beating out of my chest, I wasn't breathing like I was about to pass out...I had a steady but speedy heart rate and felt on top of the world. It was hands down the BEST JOG OF MY LIFE. And in the end I got much better endorphins from it than I would have gotten from a hot fudge sundae and feel much better about myself! MOST IMPORTANTLY, I know my Daddy is much prouder of my decision. 

...Now let's get to my weight loss...
 I weighed in today after not weighing in last week thanks to Hurricane Irene and gaining the week before while I was on vacation and I lost 7.8 pounds!!! For a total of 76.8lbs!!!

Check out my pretty green star on my WW page!! 

Okay. Now let me speak on this...

I am currently approximately 23.2lbs away from my goal of losing 100lbs. INCREDIBLE right? Well yes I feel incredible but I also feel terrified. I used to read blogs about this exact topic early on in my journey and would think to myself "What is she NUTS??! I would love to be that close (or at) my goal! She needs to go somewhere" and now that I am so close to the end of this journey (as I know a new journey begins after), I am having the same emotions that I have read about in the past.

What happens after I reach goal? There's no week to week stressing...only monthly weigh ins as a lifetime member. I mean obviously my next goal after that is lifetime and that's super exciting but then what?? I know logically that I have a plan..I have it all worked out. But emotionally, the thoughts are flying every which way.

So many of my friends and family watch my journey and are keeping up on it through FB posts and blog posts...after I reach goal do I become a thing of the past to them?? Maybe it sounds silly...but that's how I feel. The support from everyone day in and day out is what has gotten me this far. If nobody cares about my journey a year from now, will I still be as motivated? ....I'm rambling I know. 

The logical and straight thinking Krystle knows that as long as I keep blogging and keep motivating, I will keep MYSELF motivated and as long as I keep setting new fitness and leadership goals for myself that I will continue to support and be supported by others. The emotional Krystle, which I sometimes let take control of my imagination, is terrified to reach goal and end up back at 250lbs (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT WON'T HAPPEN!) I can't stop my emotions from going there. 

I was talking to my mom the other day and she said that her old WW leader said that it took him a year to lose the weight physically and 10 years to lose it mentally and I can totally understand that statement. 

Anyway I do have future goals. First of all, once I am within 10lbs of my goal I plan to apply to work for Weight Watchers and my ultimate goal is to become a meeting leader. I also have a goal to start a fitness program in this area (I will provide more info on that as the time gets closer and it's more set in stone). I also want to run 5K's, 10K's, half marathons. I also want to help kids..young girls specifically with weight issues and to learn to eat healthy and find exercise fun. I have many many goals that relate to my success and my health and fitness yet somehow, I still have those thoughts that I mentioned previously. 

Okay I know that was complete ramble!! For now I will just continue to focus on the goal at hand because I know that when this journey comes to an end, a new journey begins and I need to focus my mind, body, and soul on preparing for that journey. I hope that you guys are in it with me for the long haul!! 

I'll leave you with this.. if you are on my FB you have already seen it but I made this collage yesterday because I found the picture from October 2009, the day my nephew was born and I didn't recognize the girl in the picture yet when I put it next to the new picture, I didn't recognize her either. At an awkward crossroad that is taking some getting used to!! 


Fat in Suburbia said...

I'm sorry about your Dad. :( You are doing fabulous and you look awesome!

Bonnie said...

Wow this post made me go from sad to happy all in 5 minutes....I didn't think my emotions could do

Losing your father must be terribly hard, and I'm sorry you had to lose him at such a young age, but just think he was probably right with you when you were running which is an amazing feeling!!!

Congrats on all your hard work, you have earned that great loss!!!

Elaine Steele said...

My dear Krystle, Daddy is with you on this journey every day. When you came to Vegas he was so worried you would get hooked on some fad diet. I know he is watching over you now and proud that you have chosen a healthy lifestyle. As far as a year from now, I think we will probably forget that you once had this struggle at all. We all love and support you and will continue to do so to make sure you are healthy. How could we forget all this inspiration? Always awesoome in my eyes,
Aunt Cissy

its_ashley said...

I know completely how u feel about ur dad... And let me tell u I don't think it gets better with time. My mom-mom (my dads mom) who I was really close to passed away April 18th 2006 n still to this day I'll be driving and I randomly think about her n start crying. I try not to think of her cuz it's just too upsetting. The worst thing that I always think about is I always wanted her to be at my graduation, be at my wedding, and see her first great grand child, she passed away April 2006, I graduated June 2006 got married august 2006, n had lil ant October 2006... When her birthday and death date came around I have to get lost in the days cuz otherwise I'm a reck... Normally I'm really good with it n a few days later I realize it n I'm ok. Now to weight loss... I have Thot about that too with wat happens when I reach it... I just started n have a while to go but it's still scary...

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