Sunday, June 17, 2012

I'll win.....but it won't be easy.

The scale is in the closet.

1) I am entirely too obsessed with the scale. This is not the first time it has been in the closet and it probably won't be the last. I take it out just to "check" and it becomes an obsession again.

2) I really, really, really binged this weekend. To the point that I am in tears as I am writing this blog. No, I didn't eat 3 pizzas and drink 5 milkshakes but I ate....and I ate.....and I ate.....my stomach was full and I still ate. I would probably die or pass out if I ate 3 pizzas but that's not the point. What's worse is that after Friday, I said I was done. Then Saturday came and I did it again. Saturday night I said I was done. Sunday came and we went to Father's Day brunch and I did it again and now i am sitting here....3 days in....completely grossed out by myself and that's the God's honest truth.

I am not healed. I am not some new, naturally skinny person who won the battle against food and never has to think about it again. I am Krystle Bailey - food addict - trying to overcome. I suppose I will always be a food addict.

I really have some issues.....

Yes, I have really good days. Yes, I have come a long way. Yes, this is a journey. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I have deep rooted issues. I have even thought about seeking counseling to get to the root of them......

I'm not really sure the purpose of this blog but I am here to tell you that no matter the size 4 outfits or the crazy workouts, no matter the scale and non scale victories, despite all of the victories, I still STRUGGLE. I WILL win.......I most definitely WILL win the long term battle but it IS a struggle....and it won't be easy.

*sigh*

xoxoxo

4 comments:

Sherrie said...

I am right there with you, I had my very first lifetime weigh in on June 2nd and when I realized that I don't have to weigh in again until sometime before July 31st I went a little crazy. I ate way too much junk, and when I weighed at my doctor's office just 10 days later I was up 11 pounds and absolutely sick that I had let that happen. I've been back on track for just under a week and I've gotten rid of 3 of those pounds, but it's going to be a struggle to be back in goal range by July 31st. You are on your way to righting your weight loss ship- just realizing that something is wrong is step one to fixing it. Keep your eyes on the goal of a healthy YOU, I'll be pulling for you.

1qtnewf said...

First of all, I LOVE your memo at the top of your comment box. "If you are full of negativity - kick rocks with no socks." Bahhhhahahahahahaha.....

Beautiful girl, you are a different person now. The struggle and the trouble may always be with you, but YOU ARE AWAKE NOW!
Think back to 2-3 years ago. You would have over eaten for 3 days straight, and hardly given it a second thought, asleep behind the wheel. Now, you are aware of what has happened, so it is onward and upward.

I would also like to add, that I have been there and I understand. I also FULLY endorse seeking some professional help in figuring out the emotional and psychological reasons behind your relationship with food.
I'm sure that it served its purpose in your life - helped you cope with pain and stress where some people choose alcohol and drugs. But digging deep to understand those issues will only serve to help you in the long run.

You inspire and support so many people. You have come so far. A few days won't ruin this for you, so go easy on yourself. Speak kindly to yourself. Forgive yourself.

Barbara Finley said...

The good thing is you know that you have a problem with food and most times you can handle it. The bad thing is there will always be those out of control times, that's just life! You have done an amazing job, most people could not even imagine being able to loose 100 pounds, but you did it!! Try to be kinder to yourself.

Erika said...

This post really resonated with me because even after all this time and all this weight, I have many days like this. Not necessarily binge days (although I have those too!) but days where I don't feel "healed" from the grip food has over me.

I wonder if for some of us it will always be that way?

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